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Tag Archives: Hope

What I learned in the past three months

Wow, I can’t believe it’s been three months since I wrote my last entry. Originally, I pledged to write at least once a month… please accept my apologies …

So what did I do?

  • I really focused on finishing my thesis to the point that I now can’t even look at it without contempt anymore. I really really hate it by now. I guess and hope that this is normal. The thing is, I still have to do a presentation and an oral examination. Only then I’m done. I dream of some kind of fire ritual to burn my thesis and clean my brain ๐Ÿ˜‰ I know, stupid, but it helps to read it for the 120th time…
  • I’ve chosen the worst possible guy to proofread my thesis. At first he hit on me although he’s twice my age and now he has let me down and needed a month for a whole of 30 pages. Please don’t judge. I thought he was professional. At least the work he did on my 30 pages is good ๐Ÿ˜‰ Well, live and learn… Let’s hope the next one is more reliable.
  • I’ve been to every professor and secretary available at our institute to get the enormous amount of signatures to even hand in the thesis. Tracking down the guy who’s always out having his breakfast/brunch/lunch/dinner is pretty much impossible …
  • I’ve had about 3-5 (maybe more like 5-10) nervous crying fits when something went wrong with my thesis. I’ve pledged to let my boyfriend have his when he will write his own thesis.
  • My computer “died” at the appropriate time, just when I was doing my literature list. I guess the thesis wore the computer down too … Of course, that prompted another crying fit. Luckily, I obey to the golden rule of backup, backup, backup and I only had to redo an hour. But still, that hour sucked! Badly!

    via cartoonstock.com

  • One of my uncles died and now it came out that he has another “secret daughter”. What is it with all those family secrets?! This was that uncle’s favourite saying, which I really liked:

Ohne Arbeit frรผh bis spรคt kann dir nichts geraten,

Neid sieht nur das Blumenbeet, aber nicht den Spaten.

Roughly translated (and very poorly, please forgive me … this saying means: Without work from dust till dawn, you will achieve nothing. Envy only sees the flower bed, but not the spade. (I’m sure there is some equivalent in English that I don’t know of …)

His children may not enjoy his lifetime’s work now because they have to share with another unknown sibling. So remember, if you have any secret children, make sure to tell the children you live with ahead of your death what awaits them!

  • I still feel bad because of my dad sometimes. But lately, I just tell people straight away that he’s gone to get it out of the way when they ask. And last time, a girl forgot that I had told her that he is dead and asked me what my mom or my dad think of something. That was pretty disturbing. I didn’t feel too troubled about it, but I think I need to readjust my strategy. What proofed to be successful in your experience to get the point across that someone’s dead?!
  • Somebody broke into our home last week. We thought that our apartment looks so crappy nobody would bother to even do that. Besides, Vienna is pretty safe. And we don’t live in a posh neighborhood. Apparently, that is no security. Mr. Burglar (it must have been a guy considering the things he’s stolen) stole the hard-safed money from my boyfriend, his PSP and, strangely enough, his brand new running shoes. Mr. Burglar has taste. He didn’t take my Nintendo DS, the Wii, or my boyfriend’s 10-year old running shoes that were standing next to the new ones. My boyfriend’s actually more pissed that his progress at GTA has gone to waste than about the money. And with the shoes, it’s getting personal

    via cartoonstock.com

  • Naturally, nobody told us that this apartment has been broken into two times already. Would have been nice if somebody advised us to change the lock when we were so stupid not to do it. So, I’ve learned the lesson that even the crappiest apartment is a target for burglars.
  • Me and my boyfriend actually bought the running shoes together and we used to merrily run alongside, like a cheesy couple. I liked it. Now Mr. Burglar has taken away that too, because it doesn’t have the same feel to it when I have my shiny new shoes while he has to run in his crappy old ones. That guy is so mean!
  • The secretary I wrote about inย this and this post is already shining in its new glory, courtesy of my cousin. Pictures will follow in a next post ๐Ÿ™‚ It was the right decision to give it to her!
  • Speaking of which, we’ve found a guy who’s willing to rent my grandmother’s house, but only for a very small amount of money. On top of all, I have to prepare myself for grueling negotiations over the weekend. It gets tiring, really.
  • I’ve watched a ton of Korean Dramas in these past months. Those are the best to keep your thoughts away and just turn off your brain. So if you have a hard time with something, I can give you a list of the most perfect “braindead” dramas that there are …Of course, this is also a way not to forget my Korean, even if it’s Drama-speech … so it’s a win-win ๐Ÿ™‚
  • Korean Dramas are also a perfect way to win new friends. There’s nothing like swooning over a guy with other girls. I’m currently in the “courtship” phase with a girl that wants to be my friend (yay ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) We will meet up to watch dramas, eat and drink. Another win-win ๐Ÿ™‚

    via cartoonstock.com

  • Speaking of drinking, I learned a few new drinking games, most of them from Korea. I’ve already established in that post that Koreans have a thriving drinking culture. It’s a funny contrast to us Austrians, who only sit together getting wasted while talking.
  • I found out that my English is pretty bad, so please don’t hesitate to point out any mistakes I make! Really!!
  • My family has lost all hope that I’ll ever graduate anymore. I lost hope that it still happens this year. I guess subconsciously I really put it off so not to get to the next stage, which is unemployment ๐Ÿ˜‰ Oh my…

So, that is a tiny fraction of what I did. Even if it’s pathetic, I hope you enjoyed ๐Ÿ˜‰

“But I wanna look at the stars…”

I’m an avid fan of stars. As a kid, I even listed “looking at stars” as my hobby in autograph books. To check out those stars and get a first-hand impression, I booked a tour to one of the observatories in Vienna. Last week, it was raining and the sky was pretty clouded, but our guides informed us via e-mail that we nevertheless could have our tour. But when we arrived, those clouds hadn’t gone away, like they were convinced of in the afternoon. It was very disappointing, we couldn’t look at anything else but clouds. Children were crying, desperate father’s yearned for amusement for their children, couples were crying out that their romantic evening was ruined, chaos ensued.

I wanna look through that ๐Ÿ˜ฆ via http://www.bda.at

Yeah…it wasn’t like that. But it could have been ๐Ÿ˜‰ Despite this throwback, I optimistically booked another tour for today. Today it couldn’t have been sunnier and I was really excited to finally see stars in the evening. Well, until half an hour ago. The tour isn’t happening ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Those clouds are coming back and we would not see anything. This is tragic! I think heaven doesn’t want me to look at it. But I’m not gonna give in … Maybe someone could put in a good word for me with heaven … Please, please let me have a look next week! I’ll be good …

That's the place ... I console myself with the fact that I've been to the tower ... via http://home.fotocommunity.de/link/index.php?id=11067&d=3904933

The missing piece in my resume

picture via hs-heilbronn.de

Since I’m almost finished writing my thesis, the topic of what I should do next is coming up every so often. In a few months, my “student” status will have expired and then I have to face the tough “real” world. My plan is to just quietly apply for jobs and quietly getting rejections. I am normally very optimistic and don’t worry that much, but whenever people talk to me about it, I brood for days on end. The reason I am brooding is that I am afraid of the job market because I think I have no qualifications whatsoever and I never did an internship. This is basically the kiss of death for a 26 year old first-time job seeker. People happily point that out to me. What annoys me is that nobody makes suggestions how to succeed despite this flaw. I cannot change it anymore, so why people persist on dwelling on this point so much is beyond me. I am also not immune to taking pleasure in others’ misfortune sometimes. But it is annoying. Well, maybe I can take comfort in that it helps other people feeling less inadequate and better prepared for the job market through me ๐Ÿ˜‰

The thing is, I never worked. I had two summer jobs once. One was in the summer of 2003, the other in the summer of 2004. Then my dad died. Most people assume that I am a lazy person just riding on my mom’s money because I didn’t work afterwards anymore. And in a way that is true. But the reality is, I didn’t even dare to do an internship during my holidays after that. Because holidays meant I had to go home and help my mom. If my mom’s house were in the city, it would have been no problem to do an internship and help her out at the same time. But since my family lives on the countryside, far away from any city, far away from anything really, I didn’t have the opportunity to do it both. I don’t like to explain myself when I am accused of doing nothing. But yesterday, when a girl suggested I am “the worst” because I never worked in a joking manner, I replied that my mom preferred me helping her with my grandma instead of working on my career. My grandma is almost blind and she cannot walk very well anymore. This has been getting worse over the years. She needs help 24/7 and my mom is by her side the whole year round. Everybody who cares for older people knows how exhausting this can be. My mom doesn’t complain and she just gracefully accepts the situation. She deserves a medal and I am always amazed at how patient she is! Naturally, when I am at home she takes every opportunity to get out, meeting up with friends, going to exhibitions and so on. There are no other people whom she can call to help her out. It’s basically just me and my mom. Nowadays I’m very guilt-ridden since I don’t help her out that much anymore.

image via squidoo.com

So yesterday, when I said that the reason for not doing “anything” was to help out my mom, I was met with embarrassed silence. Did I overburden them with private family matters? Nowadays nobody wants to hear of the sick and the old, but I didn’t say that to gain sympathy. I just stated the facts. The reaction irritated me. I don’t know why they were embarrassed and it still bugs me that they reacted that way. Since I was too stunned I couldn’t react properly and the topic changed very quickly. I take it that they either pity me, feel sorry for me, think of their grandparents, think of my decision to put my grandma before my career as stupid or just don’t know how to handle someone actually having a grandma at home. I really don’t know. If they pity me, I think it very strange. Yeah, my grandma is very annoying if you don’t tend to her the minute she wants something. There were times when it was exhausting and frightening to be alone with her when she was sick and I didn’t know what to do to the point of pitying myself. But she is very lively for her age. While she remembers stuff she did on a particular day, let’s say, in 1942, I cannot for the life of me remember the stuff I did yesterday properly.ย  What amazes me the most is that even though she already told me stories on every possible subject and on every possible stage of her life, every time I visit she still knows a new story I never heard of. Through her I get to know every family member in every possible way. She tells me stuff nobody else would dare to tell me, juicy family secrets and the like. I discover things through her stories which I would have never known. There are new stories every time and I even hear new things about my dad from time to time. I love that! It’s astonishing. Listening to her is like a live-cast of history. To conclude this, it’s not a burden to care for her.

I think the reaction annoys me that much because I got a taste of my future job interviews. When future employers will ask me about the missing spots in my resume, I will have to tell them the same. And because I didn’t even think about such strange reactions, I never thought about my “holiday work” as a problem. Since this was what I got, I am more afraid of strange feedback than ever. I cannot process their reaction, don’t know what it’s about and don’t know how to cope with it. And most of all, I don’t know how to make such situations less awkward. Let’s just hope nobody asks ๐Ÿ˜‰

How to look like an ajumma

this is totally me! via cartoonstock.com

So, I went to the hairdresser the other day to get a new cut for summer. Who doesn’t want to look radiant and fresh and ready for summer?!

First, I want to say that never in my life did I get the “perfect cut” and never in my life did I have the “perfect hair”. Going to the hairdresser is a necessity for me, it is not something where I expect some miracle hairdo or something. But apart from that, even I have some standards. With my new do I lost my mojo completely. I wonder, do more expensive hairdressers actually listen to you? Because if so, next time I will shill out some money for not having to run around with awkward hair for a few months. But since I can only afford quantity, the hairdresser of the cheap category of hairdressers just didn’t listen to me and just cut away. Recklessly, with no chance to object. The thing is, yeah, this hairdresser is doing her job at bad pay, cutting countless heads a day and for her it must feel like just another ugly head coming by. I understand! This was not the kind of hairdresser where they massage your head for half an hour, talk about your wishes for another half hour and serve coffee in between. But wouldn’t it be nice if students like me could also get a fabulous haircut for little money?

that's how I roll now! via tistory.com

To be sure, I don’t worry about my hair all day long and instead focus on my thesis. The way it should be ๐Ÿ˜‰ But trying to fix my haircut every morning and looking at this thing on my head everyday is just frustrating. At first I didn’t even mind, after all if it is shorter I don’t need to go to the hairdresser that often (one has to be positive ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) I tend to think of myself as being not too vain (I am aware that I am totally contradicting myself here with this post…well…) I generally don’t have issues with short hair. But what I wanted is very different from what I got.

The normal deviation from my wishes and the actual do is about 30%. In this case, it was like 90%, which is a new low for me. Even my five-year old me, who already experienced fugly haircuts, is crying out! I wanted to have some kind of pixie cut, but only as short as my neck. Then I wanted layers and said that they shouldย  not be shorter than my ears. Well, now the first layer is like 5cm. Which is pretty short and far away from my ears. It was not what I wanted and it’s just hopeless.

I knew something was wrong when even others pointed out the peculiarity of my haircut, even after an hour of styling trying to look somewhat “normal”. When one of my classmates pointed out that I looked like an “ajumma” (that’s what you call Korean middle-aged women) I was actually thankful to him. This pretty much sums up how I look right now!

PS: I know apologies are due that I write about something as vain as my hairstyle. Even the positive side in me has weak moments. And I realize that if I had put as much energy in my thesis as I put in complaining about my hair, I would already have graduated three times. But complaining about haircuts is so much easier ๐Ÿ˜‰ And it really bugs me that this bugs me so much, but unfortunately it does…waiting for my mojo to come back…

Deadline

image via keywordpictures.com

So, now it is already April and my deadline was set for April 26. Like my subconsciousness sees it, deadlines are there to be broken. Especially the ones I set for myself. Why is it that I cannot stick to my own deadlines? If some authority, like a teacher ๐Ÿ˜‰ , gives deadlines, I follow those religiously. But the minute I do it for myself, my expectations go out the window. Together with my self-confidence. Sometimes I feel like I am some drama heroine. Some bad drama heroine who you want to punch in the face whenever she comes on the screen because of the stupid decisions she makes. My decisions are really not the best but can I punch myself and therefor punish myself? Oh my…. OK, so my thesis is now approaching 40 pages, which is good actually, but I am afraid I cannot write another forty until April 26. Which is quite a failure. And considering that I still don’t know what I am doing 40 pages is maybe quite good?! I cannot decide. Since my mom has already given up on asking how my work is going on, that should give me a breather. But the deep fear of failure is always weighing on my head. Oh how I wish for the day when I can throw my fear of failure out the window…

I really need that!!!

Maybe I can accomplish it?!

My "brilliant" brain ๐Ÿ˜‰ image via kleinzeitung.at

Today I wrote three pages at once which is the most I wrote in the history of writing my little thesis. I even came up with a few questions that, to me at least, seem to be great. Without wanting to speak to soon – I hope I am onto something here. Maybe it “clicked” finally ๐Ÿ˜‰

Damn you…fun sparetime activities (>_<)

Yesterday’s “happy accident” really turned out to be a jewel. It seems to have everything I need and for the first time I have the feeling that I can use this in my thesis. It is comforting to finally have some hope…

What bothers me is that while I genuinely want to read I still drag away and do other stuff like trying to make a poached boiled egg with my boyfriend where we tremendously failed but which takes up precious time… what’s worse is TV, computer games, (bless mario ๐Ÿ˜‰ … and my worst guilty pleasure, gossip sites. I know (^_^’) It is just so silly and I am mad at myself for being so inconsistent…have to work on that one…or juggle to even out fun sparetime and serious work time…so many bad habits ๐Ÿ˜›

Image: cartoonstock.com